So, this sucks. Wish I never got my hopes up when in the end everything just eats shit. And to top it off I went to my least favorite bar and had the worst drinks of my life.

I don’t know why I let things get to me anymore like this… but I got a text saying “I miss you a lot today” and it kind of made me smile before that was taken back after seeing that I retweeted something I thought was funny. As it happens I wasn’t even making the tweet a metaphor for what happened with our relationship, it was a college generalization. It just happened to be true in our case and I have already accepted that. As bad as it sucked I’ve gotten past what I believe are all the painful stages of it, and shouldn’t that be the biggest factor in this? Something I just thought was funny turns into a personal attack, just because I got a laugh out of it without even thinking of tying it into you. Again, I don’t know why I let this stuff get to me. I think its because I still want to be there for you, knowing that home probably isn’t too fun for you right now. I like when you smile and still want to make your days better if you need someone. I’ve thought about it lately, and I know that if you need someone I’m going to do my best to be there. I suppose that’s why I let these things get to me.

“This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. If this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you, is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But that’s not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still haven’t.”

I don’t even know if I could say why this quote is relevant right now, but I just thought about this while writing. I’m not one to overly interpret things in order to make them fit the puzzle, so I won’t really try. But not having a spot for you in my life would be a sadness I choose, and I don’t want to have that sadness. You’re worth more than just a memory, in any capacity.

It kind of sucks that there was only 3 bday wishes that really meant anything… one of them standing out far above the other. Two were from people I don’t see that often but clearly want to see me more, and the other was someone who has always been there for me. I know my mom would have said it in the morning, but when I walked in tonight at school it didn’t even register with her. I know 22 is pretty meaningless, but I wish I was a little more appreciated. I do enough for people all the time and it is never appreciated. I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot.

Wow, reading the last few months of what I wrote really tells me a lot about who I was to let myself go through that. Yet I wondered why I went through a mental breakdown in the spring… I brought that on myself for not realizing things sooner and letting it happen to me.

Talking to people really puts things into perspective. I’m glad I have enough people close to me who do more than just tell me that I should have listened to them a long time ago when I was instead sticking my neck out for you.

I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. I say I’m over you, but at the same time I really know somewhere that I’m not. I can get by day-to-day without the pain or the longing, but I can’t go a day without sitting and thinking about you, whatever the context. I don’t hate you, I know that much for certain. I want you to be happy, despite everything else. What I think gets me is that before I wished more than anything that I would be enough to bring that level of happiness. I guess in the end I can’t entirely say that I’m over you. What it amounts to is that I’m not feeling like I need you or want you to be with me. Especially now. I can’t say it though because if I really were I wouldn’t think about you as often as I do. I like talking to you, whatever we are, when you actually interact with me. We’re more than a surface encounter, that’s why it bugs me when we treat each other like we’re dancing on pins and needles when we do talk. Texts are never longer than a sentence, and we know each other on a better level than that. I don’t like the idea of you just being gone. You still deserve to smile, and I like to think I know you well enough to at least make you do that regardless. I’m over the idea of being with you right now. Let’s say that. I’m not over caring about you or having you somewhere in my head. And really, I don’t want that to happen. I’m just completely flustered about how this situation has handled itself.

This is what happens when taking your time backfires. I start to view you as immature and conniving, while you play what appears to be little jealousy games. I kind of lied when I said I wasn’t fully over you. I can get by just fine. The most that happens throughout a day is I just get angry at the fact that I spent so much time obsessed with you. I thought your touch was a miracle and every second tangled up in bed with you would be something I cherished forever. Day by day it is turning into something I regret. I regret the time I spent trying to repair the broken relationship after you cheated on me. The time where I was the only one trying to fix what you broke. Each day it sinks in how much you walked all over me and treated me like I wouldn’t matter eventually. The funny thing is that now I see it is different. I’m the one who is sick of things and you’re the one who has to put on a face to pretend like you’re over me (or so you say). You’re still in my head, I wouldn’t have to escape to a blog if you weren’t, but it isn’t the same. Now I’m just frustrated and want you to pick a side. Either act like you still care and aren’t ready for something serious or act like you don’t need me. You text me like I’m the one who is supposed to answer when you need help, but in the grand scheme you weren’t there for me. The day I reached out to you because of my mental state you legitimately told me you “didn’t have time for this”. You get mad when I don’t respond like you want and tell me to fuck off and keep saying you give up. Stop being back and forth, because as it stands I already know I don’t want to be with you anymore. You have ruined all of that. By making me break up with you it allowed me to realize immediately that I made a mistake by giving you the second chance that I never owed you. I realize that there are people who treat me better than you when they aren’t even with me. I have met enough people after our finish to know how many options I have who won’t get sick of me and treat me like scum for absolutely no reason. I don’t look at you and get sick thinking about what I’m missing. I look at you and wonder why you had to treat me so bad and why I waited around so long when I realize how one sided it was. Now that I’ve gotten it off my chest I feel a little better.

“Hes your predictable single nerd. Tries to jab at other people’s relationships because he is unsure how to keep one since he never learned people skills when he was younger because he was nerdy & no one wanted to be his friend”

This is what an unintelligent person gathers about me based on a joke I make regarding a stupid statement they conjured. My evaluation based on statement and public reaction to my joke was far more accurate, proven by this statement in the wake. I’ve spent all of 3 months single since high school began (though that is changing now). I don’t jab at other relationships because I don’t know how to keep one or didn’t learn social skills, I jab at other’s relationships because they are clearly unstable and idiotic about them. If a tiny sweeping joke sends you in a tirade about me I must have struck the right cord.

No defense for nerdy, I am definitely that at times. The best part was that she said this to my best friend who laughed at her.