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09

Apr

I really don’t know how I can describe the feeling. It is something I have never had before. Is that what depression feels like? Like walking into a room of 30 people but feeling like you are the only one there and nobody notices you? I don’t need 30 people to ignore me to get this feeling, just one. I’ve been suffering for about a month now. I don’t use the word “suffer” lightly, either, that is what it is. I’m not sleeping, and when I sit up at night I feel sick, like I don’t have a soul in the world there for me.

I feel like I’m out of sync with the person I love most. If anyone understands the way I feel right now I think it is her. Somebody who can help but for some reason is talking to me less. I’ve reached out enough and been shut out that it is starting to hurt so much worse. If she cared a fraction as much about my struggling right now as I have put into anything that has ever plagued her I’d be happy. For the life of me I can’t understand why, when I am having a serious problem, it just isn’t important. A month has gone by where it has steadily gotten worse and all I get is her being more and more mean to me, going longer without talking to me. There are a lot of things she doesn’t know, like every time I get to talk to her on the phone I get off in tears because nothing is helped and she could change it all if she tried.

I’m a mess, I’m not the happy person I always thought I was. I can’t remember when the last time she was the first one to say “I love you” was. Half the time I say it she doesn’t say it back. I spend my entire days wondering if she cares the way she says she does, wondering if it’ll be another one of those stretches where in a few days she says she feels bad for how she’s treated me. At that point will it feel like everything is fixed? I don’t know if anything can take away my feeling like I’m a burden to her for no reason. I’ve been the model boyfriend, always there and willing to drop anything when she needs someone there for her. In return for treating her as a priority I feel like I’m just an option.

The outgoing person I am with the friends that I have, I can’t fathom how I can feel so alone; but I do. People don’t take my problems seriously, thinking that because of the way I usually am and the way I can cover it up that it can’t be that bad. The problem is that it IS that bad. I’ve never felt this internally fucked in my life. My speech problem is as bad as it has been in years. I get the constant feeling that I’m not good enough and feel like I hold it in my hands to mess everything up. I’m in a dark place despite whatever external image I may present. Every day I wonder how much other people would notice if I weren’t in their lives. I don’t mean like if I never lived, I know better than that. But just how things would be different if I had other friends, or didn’t associate with the people I do. Are they better people because of me? I’ve always tried to be a good person to others so they can realize what it means to others having someone who truly cares around every day. I’m ready to stop doing that though. I’m fucking sick of being the only one who cares and not having anybody there who cares for me in the same way. It hurts. It’s the most painful thing for me to reach out and say, “I need you” and to basically be told to fuck off. The only person I’ve reached out to about this, when in the company of friends, had nothing to say about it. To make matters worse even went on to not even send me another text the rest of the night (though tweets certainly popped up around 4am).

I’m just sick of being the one who cares, the one who tries to be the great person I am for everyone without having it be noticed or returned. When I need people the most they aren’t there. I truly feel like I haven’t had the impact I want to on anybody’s life, because if I did I would have a shoulder to lean on right now when I need it the most. I feel forgotten; or at least like the things I’ve done for others/the person I am have been forgotten. It really hurts.